second batch of proper manly poems.

THINGS I NEVER DONE.

I've never been in a betting shop
And I've never seen a stripper.
Never felt the need to read a book
About the Yorkshire Ripper.
I've never seen inside a jail
(I've never been that bad)
I've never eaten that beetroot shite,
Nor have I ever punched my dad.

I've never mugged a grandmother
And taxed her old age pension,
I've never crucified a cat
To scratch some inner tension.
I've not swallowed shitloads of smack
To smuggle through some borders,
And while I think Blue Monday's good,
I've never liked New Order.

I've never trusted hippies
Or given suckers even breaks,
And as a rule,
I never knock it till I try it.
I've never tried to top myself,
I've not got what it takes.
I've been tempted, though,
But not enough to buy it.

I've never fallen fast
For a fickle femme fatale,
And I've never fancied
Fisting foreplay frolics.
I've never been to Blackpool,
I suspect I never shall,
I've seen pictures
And it looks like total bollocks.


I've never found a God,
(But it's not like I ever looked)
It never seemed like my idea of fun.
But never say never,
You won't be here forever,
Live hard before you write that list
Of things you never done.


NORMAL BLOKES.

Getting all blokey with the blokes,
Crackin' dodgy jokes, dodgin' out for smokes
With the blokes.

We'll talk about football, talk about tits,
Talk about breaking this place into bits.
We'll talk about anything, as long as it's shit.
Talk about...phwooar, fucking hell, she's fit!

We'll talk about clunge, talk about gash,
Shout about pasties that we'd like to smash,
And what we'd do to prostitutes if we had the cash.
We are the blokes and we're on the fucking lash.

We'll talk about war, we'll talk about hate,
About what makes this nation great,
And how it's not a fight just backing up your mates.
We are the blokes, stick it on the fucking slate.

We'll talk about pain and the smell of fear.
Laugh about chewin' on some cunt's ear.
We are the blokes, what you gunna do?
Coming soon to a pub near you.